Monday, September 19, 2011

Worst Movies Ever Blogfest


LYRIC O’ THE DAY:
All of the sudden, I found myself in love with the world.
And so there was only one thing that I could do,
was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long.
--Jesus Built My Hotrod, Ministry


Fun times on the blog today!  I am participating in Alex J. Cavanaugh's Worst Movies Ever Blogfest, and I must admit, picking just a few was a little difficult.  I didn’t even include any Rob Schneider or Van Damme movies.  I actually love bad movies, especially this time of year when the B horror flicks hit the airwaves.  So my list is dedicated to movies that I personally find cringe-worthy.  Warning:  snark ahead.
Roadhouse.  Patrick Swayze had great moves and even better hair.  In this flick, he tried to toughen up his romantic leading man image by playing a professional bouncer who cleans up a rowdy bar while defeating an evil small town overlord.  It’s a movie trying to be tough, but ends up cheesy as hell thanks to lines like:  “Pain don’t hurt,” “I sure ain’t gonna show you my d**k,”  and my personal favorite, “I used to f**k guys like you in prison.”  Those are screenwriting gems, I tell ya.  Still, I watch it every time it comes on CMT.  I never could get my hair to feather like that.
Howard the Duck.  I want to point out that I was 13 and sheltered when I saw this so forgive my flawed judgment for choosing to see this in the first place.  This is the tale of a duck from an alternate universe accidentally trapped on Earth where he must manage a girl band and save humanity.  It was produced by George Lucas, who clearly was having a bit of a dry spell after Return of the Jedi.  Lea Thompson has big hair and falls for a lecherous, cigar smoking water fowl.  I don’t care what planet you are from, duck/human sex is wrong.  And that's all I have to say about that.   

From Justin to Kelly.  So remember when American Idol was in its infancy and not the corporate machine it is now?  These two had dreams of stardom, and apparently some forward thinking production company wanted to be there to ruin it by casting them in this poor attempt at a beach blanket film redux.  This is a musical set in Miami and people dance with balls.  At that point I DNF’d.  Although it may have been because that Justin dude reminds me of Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons.

Point Break.  FBI agent Keanu Reeves learns to surf and tries to take down a group of gnarly bank robbers led by a Zen Patrick Swayze/Robin Hood.  The chick from Tank Girl is in it, and watching her with Keanu is a lot like watching my grandfather peel potatoes.  Maybe less exciting.  The good thing about this movie is I learned to do tequila shots from it.  Which factored strongly into me ending up naked in a closet one night.  Actually, now that I think about it, this is a damn good movie.  
Couples Retreat.  Four couples go to a resort expecting fun in the sun and instead get lessons on marriage.  Hijinks ensue.  This is one of those new movies that try to be so irreverent that they think it’s funny.  Thing is, cliched yoga instructors, unhappy marriages, and beautiful beaches just don’t make a movie.  Even Guitar Hero can’t save it.  I wanted these people to get divorced, and to be sterilized.  Not necessarily in that order.
Meet the Fockers.  I actually liked Meet the Parents.  Seeing De Niro do comedy was great, and I do love me some goofy Ben Stiller goodness.  But this one fell flat.  You see, the dude’s last name is Focker.  As in one vowel away from expletive-ville.  Hilariousness ensues.  Oh, and Barbra Streisand is a sex therapist for the elderly.  I’m laughing on the inside, really.
Shallow Hal.  I like the crass humor of the Farrelly brothers, but this one just wasn’t funny, it was cruel.  Synopsis is something like this: a pre-GOOP Gwyneth Paltrow is fat, y’all.  Like Orca fat.  Like underwear the size of a hammock fat.  And Jack Black, who is the pinnacle of the masculine ideal with his chiseled jowl and one pack abs hates fat chicks--until he’s hypnotized to only see what’s on the inside.  Then Gwyneth becomes--well, Gwyneth in his eyes.  And he’s all in love, although, golly gee, she keeps breaking chairs wherever she goes.  This movie was a series of fat jokes, and more embarrassing than the broken chair gag.  Thank God Gwyneth now just chooses to lord her superiority over educate us plebes via the internet.  Any more lessons on human goodness like this film and I might have to shove a Skinny Cow Truffle Bar stick in my eye.  Those are really good, BTW.
G.I. Jane.  Hollywood often tries to make a statement, and with this movie I’m sure there was something in mind about sexual discrimination and military politics and maybe celebrating bald being beautiful.  Demi Moore joins the Navy Seals and shaves her head.  She does impressive calisthenics and despite psychological and physical torture, triumphs over those evil oppressive menfolk.  And screams suck my d**k at Viggo Mortensen.  Because that’s what a strong, intelligent woman does when faced with misogyny.  And then they marry Ashton Kutcher.  
Basic Instinct.  I know, I know.  This was good 90s cinema.  My main issue is that there is no chemistry whatsoever between Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas.  I can guarantee no one wants to see that man’s naked behind, especially after he rocks a lesbian bar in a V-neck sweater.  And speaking of which, this movie just confirms what every red-blooded American already knew--lesbians exist only to titillate men.  And they don’t wear underwear, even after Labor Day.  Go figure the dudes who wrote this also did my number one worst movie, too.  
Under Siege.  It had Steven Seagal.  Tommy Lee Jones.  A Baywatch starlet.  But not even Gary Busey in drag could save this naval thriller from sinking.  From the minute Erika Eleniak popped topless out of a cake looking stoned on Dramamine, I knew this one was a winner. 
Showgirls.  This film makes my eyeballs bleed.  I have no idea where to begin, except to offer detox to Elizabeth Berkley--see what happens when you keep taking those caffeine pills, Jessie Spano?  This flick helped me to find valuable parallels between artistic manicures and female empowerment.  It also taught me that to get ahead, you should push people down the stairs--but only if you bond with them over eating doggy chow and discussing your mammaries first.  Then they’ll understand.  But the education aspect of this film was over when Jessie morphed into a flailing, shrieking spin cycle of OH-MY-GOD-SHE’S-GOING-TO-BREAK-HIS-PENIS in a swimming pool sex scene with Kyle Maclachlan.  I laughed so hard I nearly peed.
Have a beautiful day!  Big thanks to Alex for creating such an awesome blogfest--see his blog to keep hopping to other participants!  I leave you with a little Patrick Swayze, who I actually do love, despite harshing on his movies.


62 comments:

  1. D'oh, I'm meant to do this blogfest... The day is almost over. Argh. Do I still have time?? I'm sure I do...

    I never saw SHALLOW HAL because it looked truly awful. As in OFFENSIVE awful. Now I'm glad I didn't.

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  2. Sorry about the oozing eyeballs! I didn't like Point Break either - and they are remaking that movie! Shallow Hal was bad as well. Good picks.
    Thanks for participating!

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  3. Aww I kinda liked Shallow Hal! But I guess when you put it THAT way, I'm a little embarrassed for saying I liked it in the first place.

    And what's up with Howard The Duck? I never saw that movie and I'm really glad now! Thanks for sharing!

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  4. Great list Julie. Roadhouse and GI Jane would definitely make my list.

    When I was a child, my dad rented a movie called "Benji Goes to Marine World." It was the epitome of a bad movie--dull, no story, and bad acting (even Benji). The movie remains an inside family joke when my father needs some ribbing.

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  5. most of those are on my good "worst" films.
    :)
    i love bad/worst movies, these lists are tough!
    jeremy
    twothumbseightfingers.blogspot.com

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  6. Such great picks! But, Point Break - really, how can anything with a shirtless Reeves and Swayze be all that bad? And surfing. Love me a surfer-boy. *sigh*

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  7. Howard the Duck seems to be cropping up on a few lists. Glad I missed it :-)

    I'm with Tara on Point Break though. Although to be fair, I saw this when I was less concrened about plot than I am these days :-)

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  8. My little sister watched from Justin to Kelly non-stop when she was like 6. Enough said.

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  9. Trisha--it was terribly offensive, and I'm usually pretty lax about humor

    Alex--thanks for giving me the opportunity to express my grievances with modern cinema!

    Jess--Anytime Duck + Hollywood starlet = love, that's one to avoid

    Slamdunk--Poor Benji! Probably got snared by a contract loophole with Milkbones!

    iZombie--I love lists like this too--fun to see what people don't like that isn't the obvious "bad" film.

    Tara--it had beautiful boy candy, yes. Mostly the chemistry killed it for me--I'm big on the lady love and main man sizzling together and this one? Keanu sizzled more with Gary Busey.

    Sarah--For purely visual thrills, it came through. But when Bodhi went for the vault, I just could no longer watch. That's so not Zen.

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  10. Oh yeah, those were some pretty awful films, glad I never watched most.

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  11. Wow, I finally found something we don't have in common. LOL. I liked Howard the Duck, Shallow Hal, Under Siege, Basic Instinct, GI Jane, Meet the Fockers (I loved Barbara Streisand and Dustin Hoffman.) I'll agree with your other choices. :)

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  12. I saw Howard the Duck and Showgirls on some other lists. So glad I missed them.

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  13. I haven't seen any of these films but I'm sure you have good reason for not liking them.

    Thank you for your visit and comment, the film with Ringo in was THE WORSE film I'd seen .

    Have a good day.
    Yvonne.

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  14. Okay, I agree with most of these but Point Break is classic Keanu in all his awesomeness, dude. Hey, Showgirls was on last night and I couldn't stop watching how horrible it was. There must be a drinking game for how many time their boobs show up on camera and how many times the main character storms off angrily.

    Excellent!

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  15. I liked Shallow Hal...it's not a gem by any means, tho. Otherwise, I totally agree with your list.

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  16. J.A.--it pained me to admit I saw it. As an adult, so I have no excuse.

    Clarissa--it's time I'll never get back, and that is irritating as hell.

    Laila--I won't hold it against you--these just have elements that make me cringe. It's usually based on the chemistry of the actors. You would likely cringe to see what I find entertaining. Hopefully Alex will not hold a Best Movies blogfest.

    Carol--Showgirls is important to see just to appreciate the true horror of it.

    World of Poetry--thanks for stopping by and casting a shadow on Ringo for me forever.

    Lydia--It's like there's subliminal messaging going on in Showgirls--I have to watch it when it's on so I can mock it.

    LB--trust me, these are just my opinions, because some of my favorite movies are by no means cinematic gold. These just rubbed me the wrong way for whatever reason.

    budd--actually, I love Swayze, just not mean/evil Swayze. He'll always be the Dirty Dancing guy for me. And from North and South.

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  17. Ha! Justin and Sideshow Bob--beautiful! And thanks for the Patrick Swayze bit. I always liked him, too, even when he did bad movies.

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  18. I also liked your Justin and Sideshow Bob comparison! I know Shallow Hal was in poor taste, but I still managed to laugh through it and there was a message at the end. Great Patrick and Chris skit from SNL! You went all out! Julie

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  19. oh crud. I forgot about this blogfest. Sigh.
    Howard the duck! Hah! I remember enjoying it as a child, and then being ashamed of that later in life. And i'm a big fan of GI Jane. I like to watch it when working out

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  20. Your list ... actually your reasons were hilarious!!

    I don't care what you say about G.I. Jane, I was impressed Demi could do one-arm push-ups. Those are freaking hard. There are real Navy Seals who can't do them. And that's where my defense of the movie rests :).

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  21. I LOVE your list! And it was so so SO funny! I freaking love it. Thanks for the laughs (and the horrible flashbacks!)

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  22. Nope, never watched any of these movies . . . and I'll have to remember not to see them. :P

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  23. Those were some bad movies (except G.I. Jane. I kinda liked that one).

    Can't believe how many people watched From Justin to Kelly. Wow.

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  24. Why is Swayze in so many of these hahaha? I'm dying over your description of roadhouse, I've not seen it but it sounds good for a few laughs. I love making fun of cheesy patrick swayze. Shallow Hal is pretty awful too.

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  25. Ha! I agree with you on so many of these but I still think Shallow Hal was hilarious but I guess it was full of fat jokes.

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  26. Hahaha I totally remember From Justin to Kelly!! That Justin kid had SUCH an inflated ego! He seriously thought he was the hottest thing in the world. I remember hearing a few years later (around 2005 or 2006) that he was back to waiting tables at an LA diner. Oh, the curveballs life throws us...

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  27. I did enjoy Meet the Fockers. When I was in college, I worked in the movie theater that held the premier of From Justin To Kelly (Justin was from the area). It was the worst turnout for a premier...probably ever! Good list.

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  28. haha!! agree with all of these - but you forgot mister magoo - a truly execrable kiddie flick i was forced to sit through years ago. (dare i say) i actually liked under siege - even though steven segal is cringeworthy, tommy lee jones and gary busey gave tour de force performances as wacked out ex-cia/military nutjobs!

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  29. Ooh, Couples Retreat, good call. Had high hopes for this one it fell way flat.

    And Showgirls? Yeah, that one's on my list, too. It really does make your eyeballs bleed!

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  30. That was a great SNL skit. Chris Farley could make me laugh. Shallow Hal was cruel. Love the Sideshow Bob reference. lol Way funnier than Borat. You should write a movie. Will avoid couples retreat now. Thanks for the warning.

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  31. I don't agree with your list. I liked Road House, Point Break, Couples Retreat, Meet the Fockers and Shallow Hal. The others I don't care about.

    We will have to agree to disagree. I think sex with a duck is legal in Alabama.

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  32. I haven't seen a-one of these movies (although I've caught a scene or two from 'Roadhouse' once or twice by mistake).

    However, I sure did enjoy reading your commentary. You have a sense of humor that only a "mother...focker" like me could love.

    [I said, "focker" - "FOCKER"!]

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  33. I actually really liked some of those movies! lol

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  34. Linda--I love the romantic Swayze of Dirty Dancing and Ghost. I'm cheesy that way.

    Empty Nest (Julie)--It is an eerie likeness I tell you.

    Falen--Demi did have some serious guns in that flick, I must admit

    Elizabeth--Thanks, lady!

    Isis--I'm in awe of her athleticism, true, just not the choice of witty comebacks

    Regected--Aw, you are always so nice! Thanks!

    Golden Eagle--Trying to forget after seeing them is twice as hard.

    Meri--Swayze probably did get unfairly targeted here--sort of like that six degrees of separation thing with Kevin Bacon

    Jennifer--waiting tables? Now that's karma

    L.G.--Yep, I think the only people who saw J&K might all be following Alex's blogfest

    Jennee--I tried, really. But I couldn't get Jack Black and Jason Alexander making fun of anyone chubby. Although maybe that was the point?

    Paul--so no red carpet extravaganza for J&K at the premiere? I'm shocked.

    Amanda--as far as Seagal movies go it was probably his best thanks to his supporting cast.

    Jennifer--The more people who know about Showgirls, the better. We must warn the next generation.

    MPax--Loved SNL in those days. Chris Farley did such self-depricating physical comedy--he's gone way too soon.

    PTM--put down your tomatoes!! Only my opinions--and you know what they say about those! LOL!

    Stephen--Happy to please a fellow focker.

    Sprinkles--I knew I would get some flak--these were the ones that just rubbed me the wrong way. Like a blind date--they just said the wrong thing, and boom, date over.

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  35. You're absolutely write. Justin Guarini could so play Sideshow Bob in a live rendition of the Simpsons. Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

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  36. Hi Julie! Some of those movies I actually like. I didn't enter this 'fest as I couldn't think of 10 movies I hated. I liked GI Jane and Under Seige especially.

    Was fun reading, Denise

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  37. "Howard the Duck" just bummed me out! I was expecting more but I don't know why. Ugh.

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  38. Justin to Kelly is on my list too, Love the sideshow Bob comparison

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  39. I love how many lists Howard the Duck and Showgirls made. I completely forgot about Point Break. Actually, anything with Keanu in it tends toward the bad because his acting isn't the best!

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  40. Good list of bad movies. Some bad movies are so bad you love 'em. None of these fell into that category though.

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  41. great entries!
    how do they get these made?

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  42. Outside of ghost, Swayze had nothing but a string of real stinkers. I really liked Shallow Hal. And I hate every Steven Segal movie. Love the SNL dance with Farley and Swayze. Chris Farley was one hilarious comedian who left us way too soon.

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  43. Great list, although I liked Meet the Fockers and I laughed at Shallow Hal. Couples Retreat was on TV the other night and I fell asleep, so I guess that says it all.

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  44. 'Shallow Hal' wasn't *that* bad. :)

    (I am surprised I haven't seen more 'Howard the Duck,' though.)

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  45. meet the fockers (and this new one... little fockers?) was pretty disappointing after the hilarity that was meet the parents. i remember my hubs watched the original right before he drove up and met my parents for the first time! scared the crud out of him too!

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  46. But I'm a dancer! (Showgirls is soooo bad, it's almost good!)

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  47. So many lists have Showgirls- I had heard it was bad, but never saw it. Is it like accidents? knowing it is bad makes you want to look?

    Shallow Hal: yes, that was a terrible movie. I kept thinking when I saw it that, while Jack Black's character was supposed to be falling for Paltrow's character bc she was a good person and had inner beauty, why was she supposed to be falling for him? He was a jerk. So what was the movie saying? "Physically unappealing people should latch on to anyone they can because if they are patient & good, perhaps the other person might become a good person too, if they are lucky." Pretty grim.

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  48. Great list! I can't believe I forgot Shallow Hal when I did my list. That movie... I've only caught parts of it as I channel surf, but wow, I couldn't believe anyone would make a movie like that. Bleh.

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  49. Great commentaries on the movies.

    BTW...I nominated you for an award. Stop by my blog for the details :)

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  50. OMG your summations are hysterical!! These movies are terrible and yet, I have a soft spot for the Patrick ones. Glad I have found your blog. I love your humor and style.

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  51. LOL I forgot, you found me first. Doh!

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  52. I have to agree with Howard The Duck, definitely one of the worst movies ever. Horrible!!

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  53. Love this blog post! A really interesting read! Followed!

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  54. Jeff--they are like twins separated at birth. Some Hollywood exec is writing the script as we speak

    Denise--I know, most of my friends love these movies, but I just latch on to one thing and I can't let it go--ruins the whole darn flick for me

    Alleged--It was produced by George Lucas! I thought it would be spacey goodness, too!

    Baygirl--you have good "bad" taste!

    Jennie--Keanu will always be that dude from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure for me. I can't see him any other way

    Doralynn--A few of these I must watch when they are on--like watching a train wreck. I live to mock them.

    Tara--Hollywood has tastes that baffle the mind

    Stephen--I was a huge Chris Farley fan. Da Bears.

    Rhonda--I wanted Couples Retreat to be funny, but it just made me sad.

    Suze--Donald Duck is the only water fowl that should be allotted screen time.

    Vic--Meet the Fockers just wasn't as funny--it was like they just stuck with cliches instead of writing something unique. Such a disappointment

    Samantha--I have to watch Showgirls when it's on. It's high comedy for me now.

    Ferret--You must rent it now. It's worth losing 2 hours of your life just to see the swimming pool scene. And totally my point about Shallow Hal. It just rubbed me so wrong.

    B.E.--I'm with you. I just couldn't find it funny. I tried.

    Raelyn--YAY!!! Bloggy awards!! Thank you so much, that is way too kind. I will come by to check it out.

    Melissa--Thanks for stopping by--I was loving your commentary too. Great minds blog alike.

    Heather--I'm not sure how anyone thought a movie about a wisecracking Duck would be a showstopper. Except maybe Walt Disney.

    Jason--I'm thrilled you stopped by and welcome to the madness! Thanks for the follow.

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  55. I've never heard of Howard the Duck. It sounds completely horrific. I'm off to see if I can find it on Netfix :)

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  56. I've had the misfortune of seeing Howard the Duck but none of the others. I know - everyone has seen Basic Instinct! I never was a Sharon Stone fan though.

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  57. Some how I managed to miss most of these movies--and I'm glad. Great post, though.

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  58. Ha, your take on Point Break is very similar to mine. I like that movie. I hate that movie. I've now confined it to a guilty pleasure.

    As for Justin and Kelly--yeah I knew when that came out that it was doomed to begin with. It reminds me of how American Idol has become the creature it is today.

    Great blog by the way. Following you now.

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  59. I love you for putting that Justin-Kelly movie on the list. I think it lasted for about 2.5 minutes in the theatres. The rest of your list is great, as in terrible, too.
    xoRobyn

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